


Euphemism

by ruuutabaga



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Broom Closet Sexy Times, Caught Mid Coitus, Crack-esque, Euphemisms, Euphemisms everywhere, F/M, He just doesn't get it, Jokes ™, M/M, Multi, POV Poe Dameron, Poe has a Filthy Mouth, Poor Poe, Threesome - F/M/M, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-15
Updated: 2016-06-15
Packaged: 2018-07-15 05:20:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7209464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ruuutabaga/pseuds/ruuutabaga
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While on The Quest for Snacks ™ at Kylo and Rey's wedding, Finn and Poe make a startling discovery in a broom closet.</p><p>Modern Day Wedding AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Euphemism

**Author's Note:**

> HI!
> 
> Why does this exist?
> 
> Because I'm on vacation (Well, it's a staycation of sitting on my ass between getting shit done, lets be honest) and I fucking well can.
> 
> What's not to love about big guys, plucky girls and stinkfaced gingers being in Love ™? Though really I do love the Reylux and had ideas for my own offerings to it so here we are!
> 
> This is NOT a part of Basket of Fruit. It's a very different Modern Day AU. Obviously.
> 
> There is unfortunately not much in the way of sexy times in this :(
> 
> There is, however, liberal use of the F-Bomb. Poe really likes to use his fucks. Thus the M-Rating, along with many frank musings on sex and the like. A _shitload_ of euphemisms, too.
> 
> Enjoy!

Finn and Poe were drunk.  So very, very _amazingly_ drunk.  Open Bars were amazing and Poe would forever declare Rey’s Wedding day as The Best Wedding Day Ever ™. Well, in his limited experience anyway, this was the first wedding he’d been to since he was 11 and his Aunt got married and he wasn’t really allowed to drink then (Sneaking sips off a beer one of his cousins had snagged did _not_ count).  He didn’t remember much about it though, his recollect mostly a blur of both drunken _and_ sober crying, the electric slide, and flowers that had made him sneeze. So while his experience pool wasn’t the biggest, he felt sure that declaring this The Best Wedding Day Ever ™ was warranted.

The ceremony had been beautiful, Rey in a pretty white, flowy gown, Kylo in a black tux.  Finn had looked absolutely _dashing_ as her Man of Honor in a white tux with matching accents to Jessika and the other bride’s maid’s burgundy gowns.  Phasma had turned things on their head even more and been a…  Groom’s Woman?  Groom’s Maid?  Maid of the Groom? Poe had no idea what, just that she’d stood on the groom’s side behind the best man Hux, forming a really fucking tall line of people.

It’d been an unusual wedding party to say the least.

But now the party was winding down and Finn had said he was hungry, so Poe had had the brilliant idea to try and sneak into the kitchens on The Quest for Snacks ™.  Finn had a grip on his hand and towed Poe along behind him through the hallways, giggling occasionally as they prepared to dodge out of sight should any of the hotel employees spot them.  He wasn’t actually sure if they were allowed back here or not, but the whole point of The Quest for Snacks ™ was that they would find said snacks and _not_ get caught and maybe they would even find more drinks, since the open bar was looking to shut down soon.

Poe pressed himself against the wall, slowly leaning out around the corner, listening for footsteps.  Should someone actually be coming, he had an awesome plan of pushing Finn up against the wall and kissing him, because no one suspects people making out of wrong doing.  He’d seen it in a movie once.  And if it didn’t work, well, he got to make out with Finn.  Win-win, in Poe’s opinion.

Seeing no one coming, he darted out of the hallway crouched low. He hummed a few bars of Secret Agent Man as he moved down the hallway, Finn following.  He wasn’t crouching though, and Poe would have to lecture him later about proper Secret Agent on a Mission Protocol ™.  Gliding down the hall, he paused as he heard what sounded like a grunt from a supply closet in front of them.  Freezing, he worried one of the staff was about to come out the door and chase them from the back hallways, when what sounded suspiciously like a feminine moan echoed the grunt.

Oh.  Well.  Apparently someone else was getting up to trouble-- Wait no, Quest for Snacks ™ or probably Quest for The Nookie ™ in their case.  Another moan sounded, definitely feminine in nature.  Finn leaned back against the wall behind him, apparently more absorbed in keeping himself upright than the very interesting situation that was at hand.

Grabbing Finn’s arm, Poe towed him towards the door.  He was both curious as to who it was (It was a wedding, if someone wasn’t hooking up he would have been surprised.) and had a rather devilish notion to maybe scare the couple.  After all, they were bogarting a prime hiding place for their _activities_.

Ducking below the small window on the door, he placed his hands on the door and slowly stood straight to peer in the window.  Finn leaned heavily against his arm and muttered something about snacks and more drinks.  The room wasn’t well lit and the windows weren’t on the clean side so it took a moment for his eyes to adjust.

He recognize the black pants of the man and the white shirt as someone from the wedding party.  He still has the burgundy suspenders (Poe remembers listening as Rey ranted to Finn about how hard they’d been to find, custom colored to match the rest) on though one is shoved half off his shoulder.  Poe recognizes the red hair immediately and realizes it's none other than Hux.  Anticipation grows in him and he tugs Finn closer, tucking the darker man under his arm so he doesn’t get too far and suppresses a giggle.

Now the only question is who the girl, hitched up against a box of cleaning supplies.  Her legs are long and clad in hose, wrapped tightly around Hux’s waist with her loose white skirt hitched up and pooling around her.  Poe pretends he doesn’t notice the way the man’s hips are flexing against his partner, driving himself against her as they presumably make out.  His pants aren’t around his hips or loosened yet though, and given Poe’s own, ahem, _experiences_ with quickies in broom closets, you want the pants down and undone a bit, not just open.  That zipper can be absolute murder if it rubs wrong, so he knows the pair are just grinding, not to actual penetration.  Yet.

Which is a good thing, cause if he’s going to scare them, he doesn’t want to see Hux’s dick.  Like at all.  Not even a little.

Studying them ( _just_ studying, that’s all, he’s _not_ even a little bit turned on by his voyeurism), Poe realizes something that makes his stomach drop like a stone and all teasing traces of arousal vanish: he recognizes the girl’s dress and as the gyrating couple move, he see’s her face, brown hair pulled back and various flowers weaved into her hair.

He tightens his grip on Finn, who protests the sudden band around his neck, mumbling amidst giggles that Poe needs to loosen his grip, cause it’s kinda hard to breathe, but Poe, he can’t.  He’s frozen, unable to move, unable to process the fact that he’s just found the _fucking Best Man_ , at his boyfriend’s best fucking friend’s fucking wedding fucking grinding up on the _fucking Bride_ in a fucking broom closet.

Fuck.

Poe, he loves Rey.  She’s awesome, for all her weird little quirks about food and waste; Finn had sworn him to secrecy once about why she acted the way she did with certain things, how she’d grown up alone tossed from one foster home to the next before she’d run off when some last straw was hit.  He hasn’t known her nearly as long as Finn had, only this past year when she’d come to visit Finn and meet this new boyfriend of his.  She’d moved out of town years ago, and the two had kept up contact, regular calls and visiting each other.  He’d even gone with Finn a few times, alternately sleeping on Rey and her intimidating fiancee’s ridiculously comfortable couch and a bundle of blankets on the floor.

Rey had set the date and invited them to the wedding, told Finn she wanted him as her Man of Honor, offered to pay for their plane tickets as well, since they were going someplace tropical.  Apparently Kylo’s parents were _loaded_ (Poe had nearly fainted when he realized that the gruff man who’d shook his hand as they got off the plane was Han Fucking Solo, his childhood hero) and paying for the wedding.

They’d even been introduced to Kylo’s surly best friend, a redhead who seemingly had permanent stink face that was always around and the one he’d just found mid jiggery-pokery with the Bride.

Finn finally maybe senses that his grip isn’t a joking one, that he’s freaking out.  He breaks free of Poe’s grip, and he hooks his fingers up in the window ledge, pulling himself up to peer in the window and see what it is that’s freaked Poe out to such a level.  Instead of turning pale like Poe had expected, Finn just makes a peculiar face at the window; like something he’d seen had just grossed him out.  Like he’d just caught his sister making out or something, but _not_ like he’d caught his newly married sister making out with someone who was _not her new husband_.

“Poe, man.  Poe it’s, it’s ok.”  Finn tells him as he turns and sees how pale Poe’s gone and it is most decidedly _not_ ok, he doesn’t even like Kylo Ren, thinks he’s kind of a dick but anyone with eyeballs can see the man adores Rey, damn near _worships_ her.  And Poe, he’d thought that Rey felt the same about Kylo, given how she lit up when she saw him.  But apparently it’d all been a sham.  He would never have expected this of her, and he doesn’t know what to do.

Does he tell Kylo?  He really doesn’t like him much, but he respects him.  Does he respect him enough to risk being the messenger of some really fucking bad news, risk the much taller, very strong man who he knows participates in an MMA league deciding that he will murder said messenger though, now _that_ is the question that Poe now faces.

He already knows the answer to that question, unfortunately for him.

Poe has a new mission now, one he doesn’t want at all, but he’d been a soldier for years and he was used to doing things that he didn’t want to.  So he’d buck up.  For Finn, he told himself, who must have been too drunk to realize what it was he was seeing and would surely break his heart when he was sober.

Mission: Don’t Fucking Kill the Messenger ™ is a go.

Poe about faces in the hallway, ignoring Finn’s startled squawk as he’s left without someone to lean against.  He marches as steadily as he can (He’s still really fucking drunk, honestly), ignoring the waiter who pops out of a corridor, ignoring the startled look of other drunk wedding guests as he pops out of the doors at the back of the hall.  He even ignores Finn, who’s pulling at his arm, still giggling and trying to tell him something, which while absolutely adorable, is also _so not appropriate_ , what the hell man.

He scans the room and spots Kylo standing near the front of the room, talking to his mother (Leia Organa, another childhood hero of Poe’s and hadn’t that been a _shock_ ).  He’s long since shucked his jacket, wearing the same burgundy suspenders that he’d seen on a slimmer body moments ago though his are both still looped over his shoulders.  

He marches up to them and gently puts a hand on the taller man’s shoulder.  Kylo turns to him and peers down at him, brow quirked in question.

“Can I, uh.  Talk to you, man?  In private?” Poe mumbles.  Kylo blinks at him for a moment, before he nods.  He turns back to his mother and says something to her that Poe doesn’t catch, too busy dreading the fact he’s probably about to die.

Kylo leads him through the large double doors of the hall with Finn trailing them both.  He looks downright amused, which Poe really doesn’t fucking understand.  Maybe he hadn’t recognized the dress of the girl like Poe had or seen her face?

The hallway they’re in is open and airy now, but they’re about as alone as they’re going to get.

“Man, I don’t know how to tell you this,” Poe starts, trying not to mumble, trying not to cry because he’s pretty sure Kylo can just reach his hands out and snap his neck without much effort and he’d seen the man in action only once before when Rey had invited them to see one of the his matches (Poe had been both terrified and in awe), but jesus christ had it left an impression on him.

Kylo crosses his arms and regards him silently, looking only faintly worried at what could have discomfited Poe so much.

“Me and Finn were looking for the kitchens, to find something to eat ‘cause, uhm, we’ were hungry and we were in the back halls and we might have walked into Hux and Rey, uhm,” and he stammers here, gathering up every bit of courage he has, to finally spit the words out.  “Theywerehumpinginabroomcloset.”

“And?” is all Kylo says impassively.  Finn snorts behind him.

Now, Poe considered himself a smart man and good with people generally.  And he might not know Kylo Ren all that well, but he’d thought they’d formed something of a begrudging not really at all a friendship, but the revelation that your new wife was setting about playing hide the sausage with your best man really ought to garner more of a reaction, that’s all Poe’s saying.

“I, did you hear me?” Poe stammers, tamping down the desire to run his hands through his hair in frustration.  Why don’t either of the men seem surprised.

“Yes, I did.  And I said, ‘And?’”  Kylo replies.

“But, Rey, she was, uhm.  Canoodling with Hux.  In a broom closet.”

“Yes, I get that.”

“But, uhm.”  and Poe is at a loss.  He’s delivered his message and somehow is miraculously not dead, and not garnering the reaction he’d been expecting at all.  Maybe he’s not being clear enough, is all his alcohol soaked brain can come up with.

“They were rutting.”

“Yes.”

“Smacking the Salmon.”

“Okay.”

“Shampooing the wookie.” That one earns him a brow quirk.

“Rumbusticating.  Banging. Boinking, Boffing, a bit of the old In an’ out.  Heels to fucking jesus  Paddling up coochie creek.  Scrogging.  Screwing, Shaboinking!  Parting the Pink Sea!” and he’s running out of euphemisms, Finn’s snorting helplessly behind him with a hand braced on both of Poe’s shoulders.  Kylo’s brows have risen slowly at each synonym for fornicating, and he looks impressed despite himself.  

Poe’s panting now.

“They were fucking!  Having Sex!  Or well on their way to it!  In a goddamn broom closet!” Poe nearly screams that last and throws his arms into the air.  Kylo takes half a step back, looking worried.  He looks over Poe’s shoulder to Finn, who’s bent in half wheezing with laughter.

Finn finally straightens up and takes a step forward, throwing his arm around Poe’s neck, pulling him tightly to his side.

“Poe, like I said earlier, it’s okay.” and Poe finally pays attention to what Finn is telling him.

“What do you mean it’s okay?” Poe demands, looking between the two men.  Finn opens his mouth to reply.

“What he means,” Kylo breaks in, “Is that I’m also sleeping with Hux.”

“You’re what?”

“Sleeping with Hux.  Knobbing Hux.  Tapping that ass--”

“Fuck man, I get it!  I mean how are you, I mean, when do you.  I mean.  What?” Poe stammers helplessly, tripping over the words, not even sure what he’s trying to ask.  Kylo has started to smirk, the fucker.  And Finn’s laughing again, also a fucker.

“We all three sleep together.  At once.” Kylo states, speaking slowly, like Poe’s a small simple child.  And honestly he feels a bit like one.  He’s slept with more than one person before at once, but this seems like an actual relationship, which.  What?

“He’s coming with on the honeymoon.” The taller man offers, like somehow that will make all of this make sense.

And oddly, it does.

Poe deflates, fighting warring sensations to be both completely relieved that Rey is actually NOT a terrible person, and the desire to storm off because really, both of these assholes could have explained this a lot fucking better.

Finn definetly owes him a blow job.

“Poe, I’m sorry, I thought you knew.” Finn apologizes, though he loses some brownie points because he’s still laughing, hugging Poe to his chest and smothering giggles into Poe’s dress shirt.

Kylo offers a shrug and breaks away, heading back into the hall.  As the door peeks open, Poe spots Rey standing next to Hux, both looking only slightly rumpled.  He watches as Kylo makes his way over to them, arm going around Rey and dragging her into his side while he presses a kiss to her temple.  Hux puts a palm on the broader man’s shoulder, grinning for the first time that Poe’s ever seen, and lets his hand drag down the other man’s bicep in what Poe can definitely tell is a caress now.

Oh.  Okay.  Whatever.  He doesn’t get it, but, okay.

“Really Poe, you never questioned why Hux always stayed the night with them when we visited, or where he slept for that matter?” Finn asks him.  Poe shrugs, only slightly defensive.

“I guess I just thought they had a guest bedroom?” He offers in his own defence.  Finn laughs and tugs him closer, slipping himself in front of Poe.  He presses his lips against Poe’s, a sweet kiss that tastes of the bourbon Finn had been sipping earlier and Poe returns it eagerly.

The Quest for Snacks ™ is a bust at this point, though Operation: Don’t Fucking Kill the Messenger ™ is a success.  

Sort of.

As Finn breaks the kiss and turns to lead him back into the hall, Poe ponders simply dragging him back to their room for a Quest for The Nookie ™ of their own.

He also moves the ranking of the wedding from Best Wedding Ever ™ (Open bar or not) to Weirdest Fucking Wedding Ever ™.

**Author's Note:**

> \--People getting caught mid sexy times is apparently a trope I love. Whoops. Maybe I should make a series of them or something.
> 
> \--The fact all three of them are in a relationship is like the worst kept secret ever. Unfortunately for Poe, he's at times oblivious as fuck.
> 
> \--Han really has an inappropriate “That's my boy.” sorta reaction to the fact his kid has snagged not one, but two beautiful people (Cause Hux, even if he’s sorta a stinkfaced dickhead, is quite pretty next to the two of them and if he was 30 years younger and Leia agreed to it, he’d hit that too.) Kylo is absolutely mortified, Leia thinks it’s hilarious.
> 
> \--Rey told Finn that she loved them both, and that was good enough for him. He just never actually passed that information on to Poe.
> 
> \--Rey and Hux heard Finn's squawk and decided to wrap up their impromptu Hump-A-Thon, which is why they're conveniently back in the Banquet Hall for Kylo's return. Behold, the power of author discretion to time lines!
> 
> \--Poe was a bit of a slut before he met Finn and settled down. He dislikes adultery intensely.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed! Let me know what you think!
> 
> I have a tumblr too. Bother me on it if you like :D http://ruuutabaga.tumblr.com/


End file.
